1. Home
  2.  Articles
  3.  Literary
  4.  The best personal ads ever. EVER.

The best personal ads ever. EVER.

Yes, they're real.

Coffee cup next to an open newspaper

These really need no introduction, other than to say they are a compendium of the oh-so-carefully crafted personal ads from the London Review of Books and far more entertaining than match.com.

Image saying: The Necker cube of personal ads - are you viewing from above or below? Irritating amateur psychologist (M,52) seeks woman with brain suitable for home-made experiments. Half-full/half-empty relationship and psychometric tests a-plentry at box no.5447.
Image saying: Are you the man of my dreams? Green 9'10", three eyes, six tentacled arms and reciting the third canto of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene whilst crushing foot-ball-sized grapes with hoofed feet? Either stop it now or kiss me, you monstrous wine-making fool. Woman, 41, Exeter. Box no. 1011.g
Image saying: What kind of animal are you? I'm a giraffe. No! Wait! I'm a monkey! Welcome to my tree-top paradise. (F, 62) Box no. 0220.
Image saying: Newly divorced man, 46, looking for a woman to 50 who doesn't conclude sexual intercourse with Queen Katherine's rebuke to Cardinal Wolsey.* Box no 6531. *I do believe, induced by potent circumstances, that thou art mine enemy'
A hypnotic pattern, then the words below: This personal advert contains more than one hypnotic suggestion. Box no. 7637.
Image saying: Getting laid through Match.com isn't as easy as the adverts make it out to be. I'm hoping for better pickings from this column. Woman, 87.Box no. 5444.
Image saying: In France, it's just a kiss. I England it's just a muffin. In Belgium it's just a waffle. In Germany it's just a shepherd. You know what I'm saying. Man, 41. Box no 5520.
Image saying: Shepherd of Love seeks F to 45 free of scrapie,pinkeye and Caseous Lymphadentis. Vet (M, 43). Little experience of human contact outside the farming communities of Pembs. Box no. 9837.
Image saying: Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland. F, 54. Box no 8828.


Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland

by David Rose

Book cover for Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland

 And there's plenty more where that came from in Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books, edited by David Rose, who has had the pleasure of managing the LRB's personal ads.

Organized into themes ('Mentally, I'm a size eight' and 'Forty years ago I was going to marry Elvis') and fully annotated, Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland is the perfect gift for the man or woman in your life - as well as single friends everywhere.